Standardizing Linux Suckiness

If you've been following Linux for as long as we have, you instinctively wince at any mention of the three letters L-S-B. Yes, they're the people that once promised to come in and standardize the cluster-fuck that is Linux distros and create something that ISV's could actually ship against.

What have they achieved so far? Take a look for yourself. Yay, we have tons of out-dated platforms, and FOUR fucking apps. Fanfuckingtastic job guys. You should be proud that after so many years, a few crazy French dudes at the wine project have done way more to make applications shippable on Linux. Meanwhile, you've caused distributions to waste a bunch of precious time that could have been spent adding more bugs to core security libraries.

Wait, wait. I'm not done. I got a suggestion for you guys. It's total super rocket science. It's way more advanced than huge automated test suites, static code analysis, or any other shit. It's crazy hot, even more so than your mom, and your mom's mom:

STANDARDIZE THE BINARIES.

By that, I mean ship the same fucking kernel, the same gcc, the same glibc, the same libstdc++, the same coreutils, the same fucking core system. Every distro can take the same bits, and package them and add layers and layers and layers of scripts around them however they want. But in the center, use the SAME binary code. And if there are bugs, work together to fix them.

What happens then? as an ISV, I know that if I can run against this set of binaries, then my shit will run on your system. I can minimize my dependencies on other freetard libraries that will break at any moment. In other words, it becomes a tractable problem. All the distros can still pile all their incompatible stacks of feces on top, but at least something at the core will be common and predictable.

With the same binaries, I also don't need test suites. I don't have to test if your bits act the same as mine because they're the same bits. This isn't so different from Mr. Shuttleworth's release cycle synchronization argument. In practice, if everyone ships the same kernel and gcc and glibc, you'll probably end up with the same binaries anyways.

But what about the CHOICE? Thanks for asking, fucktard.

Let me give you a choice: a distro with glibc-2.6.ass which adds some obscure function that has no relevance to your daily life, OR your favorite Windows app ported to Linux. Which would you like? I thought so. Now please step the fuck off.

If these lusers are ever going to be taken seriously, they'll need to realize that there are choices that matter, and then there are those I hate you for. I want a choice between good and better ( like choosing between fucking Angeline Jolie and Heidi Klum), not the choice between suck and suck more (like deciding to wanking off to Danny DeVito or Pauley Shore).

Crappy choice #1: The kernel. I don't care what kernel I have. I want my hardware to work. I want the kernel to be stable enough so that hardware companies can hope to write open or closed drivers for it without having to read lkml. I want my scheduler to be consistent and long-living enough so that others can learn to actually optimize for it.

Crappy choice #2: glibc. I don't care what glibc I have. I want my apps to work. I want Adobe to think, "hey shipping software for Linux is not quite as bad as anal rape."

It's a tragedy of the commons really. Every fucking distribution picks its slightly different upstream versions, because they think they can do it better than everyone else, or they want to be more cutting edge. Of course, in the process, they segment the platform. Oh sorry, did that go over your heads there? Is that too advanced for you? Can you not see that your new awesome slight variation of the Linux platform is another fucking reason I'm not going to ship my awesome app for Linux at all?

It's not too different from watching Democrats fight between Obama and Clinton. If they could just get over themselves and stop bickering over implementation details, they could easily win.

Y'all need to see that if you actually let go of your stupid reasons and actually fix Linux's problems, you could actually create something that could take over the world. Actually, now that I think about it, don't do that. I like hating on you guys. Please, continue defecating on each other and being the laughing stock of the software development community.